Charade
by OrangeSea
Summary: Zim drops the charade and finally decides to take matters into his own hands. Dib gets sucked along for the ride and the Tallest will never know what hit them. Eventual ZADR Rated T for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

Well, I didn't expect to write more IZ stuff, but here it is.

I don't own anything, the person that does would probably detest what I've done to his characters, but I try not to let that get me down.

Mild ZADR. Very mild, you want lemon you better read "Growing Up" again, cuz it ain't here right now.

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Zim smiled to himself as he read through the information flashing across the vid screen. He had left Gir to his Scary Monkey show hours previously and the little robot had not yet noticed that Zim had looped the program. While Zim used to regret his lack of competent SIR unit, recent discoveries had made him rather grateful for Gir. While the robot was constantly underfoot, more than a little annoying, and sometimes downright dangerous it was -not- capable of making regular reports to the Tallest as he had discovered the standard SIR units were programmed to do. That suited Zim just fine. In fact, the wretched little thing often made his own calls to the Tallest all the more believable.

It was awfully convenient for the Tallest to assume his defective pak had made him go insane. And perhaps it had, that was neither here nor there, really. It caused them to underestimate him almost all of the time. He had thought his failure during Impending Doom I would cost him his life, but the foolish Tallest had merely set him up in Food Courtia. He had blown half of Irk completely to hell and they didn't even guess that he had a motive behind it.

In their haste to keep the defective Invader as far away as possible they didn't seem to realize that upon his unexpected return for Impending Doom II they had just handed him the freedom to put his plans into action once again. Impending Doom I had been a failure, it was true, but Zim had learned from it and he would not be so rash the second time around.

There was only one potential hitch in his plan, and that was the Dib. When Zim had first arrived on the dirt ball Earth he had discovered that Dib was smarter than the average human worm and generally quicker on the uptake, even for a smeet. He had made a perfect distraction and had provided Zim with hours upon hours of report data to send to the Tallest to prove he was a continual failure. In truth, early on Zim could have easily crushed the young human, but that would have been damned inconvenient all around, especially when the little thing had provided so much useful, if mostly faked, data. Zim's charade was infinitely more believable when his arch-nemesis believed it, but there-in laid the current problem. Dib wasn't as gullible as he once was.

Dib had grown a lot since the days when a romp with ancient planet-ships was enough to convince him of the false gravity of a situation. Zim's faked attempts to take over the world had grown in realism to keep his enemy's belief going but somewhere along the line Zim had just… lost interest in the charade. It wasn't that he had lost interest in Dib himself, not at all, he had just decided he didn't like the taste of lies when they involved the human. It was all rather new to him, lies had always come so easily in the past. He particularly delighted in them when speaking to the Tallest.

In part Zim blamed the human's changes for this new distaste of lies. Humans growth cycle was astounding in some ways. The vast majority of them appeared to remain infantile in both their ability to comprehend the world around them. Dib had been the exception in their entire skool class in that he actually grew up. The angsty teenage years in particular had deadened some of Dib's intense need for gratification from those around him. He had eventually regained his old sense of compassion, but while he still fought valiantly for other humans, Zim suspected the Dib was beginning to broaden his mental horizons a bit and realize their true worth to the universe.

Zim found the change fascinating, and potentially very useful. The prospect of failure was the only thing that caused the alien to hesitate in using Dib's new outlook on life to his advantage. The human was the only being in the universe to treat Zim as an equal. It was as terrifying as it was electrifying. He would never admit it to himself, but the potential to chase Dib away was enough to cause him fear and fear was totally unacceptable.

The computer broke through Zim's musings with a dejected sigh.

"What is it?" Zim demanded, testily.

"You wanted to be warned when the human, Dib, left the work... thing." With a groan Zim pushed himself from his studies and grabbed a strange little citrus tree that had been lurking in the corner. While he walked he muttered to himself, trying to think up a suitably sinister name to call the kumquat tree before hurling it at the Dib's head.

-----------------------------

Dib trudged along street towards his scooter. It was a pathetic little thing, more than a few years old and woefully under powered but it got him to and from work every day. He had named it "Scoot" in his head and often liked to imagine modding it with enough cool features swiped from Tak's old ship to be able to take the Voot Cruiser head on. That would require extra money, though, and between living expenses and his underpaying job he barely had enough time to properly spy on Zim anymore. Not that he would ever give it up, no, he just... had to restrict it to the hours he wasn't working, now.

Somehow he had always managed to foil Zim's nefarious plans. While he liked to think it was his amazing spying abilities coupled with his lightning quick reflexes and superior intelligence that kept the world safe every day... He couldn't help but wonder why his alien nemesis hadn't managed to succeed yet.

When he reached the scooter, Dib put on his black half helmet and sped on his way. Halfway to his apartment he heard the unmistakable laughter of his arch-nemesis. Screeching the scooter to a halt, Dib jumped from the seat and straight into a run towards the insidious laughter. He glanced at his surroundings only long enough to gather that he was in a park of some sort. It didn't take him long to spot Zim hunched over some sort of shrub, cackling to himself.

Zim looked as he usually did, these days. His style of clothes still had that touch of alien fashion to them. Over the years he had grown to stand nearly half a foot shorter than Dib himself. His skin was still green, but paler than it had been. His face wasn't as flat, though he still lacked a proper nose and ears he almost seemed more human in most proportions. Dib had studied the changes closely, but chalked them up to aging.

"Stop right there, Zim!!" Dib was breathing heavily, his helmet was slightly askew and he looked absolutely livid. Zim had no idea how the human had managed to keep the energy that had long ago seeped from his supposed peers. Though he was clutching a stitch in his side and looking a little pained, his eyes still held the fire that Zim would not admit delighted him.

With a small smile at the thought of Dib's ongoing enthusiasm Zim straightened and turned, forcing the little smile into a familiar, if somewhat forced, maniacal grin. "You'll never stop the ALMIGHTY ZIM!"

Taking up his cue Dib shrieked, "What are you up to now, Zim!?"

The devious alien merely laughed. "I don't know WHAT you are talking about, worm-baby. It certainly has NOTHING to do with the KUMQUATS."

Dib opened his mouth to retort but stopped. "Kumquats? Really Zim?" Dib's voice was plaintive, with a hint of impatience. Zim couldn't quite keep his cringe internal.

"YES, kumquats..." There was an awkward pause that stretched just a little too long. "Um. Well then, I'll be going." He strode away and attempted a jaunty whistle. The kumquat bush beeped softly and Dib shook his head as he knelt down and inspected the strange little tree that looked like it was already starting to wilt.

-----------------------------

Zim almost made it back and safely into his base before Dib caught up to him. The sinister kumquat had apparently been quicker to dispatch than he had hoped. "ZIM." Dib's pitiful little scooter struggled to a halt in front of the base and he took his helmet off to hang carelessly over the right handlebar.

"What is it, Dib-stink? I'm busy." Zim sounded tense and impatient. Dib's interest was instantly perked.

"Are you even trying anymore?" Dib stood in the middle of the walkway, careful not to set food on the grass where there lurked gnomes.

"What do you mean, trying? I assume you've already ruined my latest plan, I need to work on a new one now." Without meeting Dib's furious glare Zim flapped his hand in the air as if to punctuate his point.

Dib stormed towards the alien, causing Zim to step back a few paces involuntarily and scowl up at the human's superior height. "Oh, Bullshit, Zim. Do you think I don't get it? You stopped trying years ago." He pressed his lips together as though he was hesitating to say what was really on his mind. It hurt his pride a little to ask, "Did you ever really try?"

Zim hissed through his teeth. They shared a long mutual glare before Zim spun on his heel and swung the front door of his base open. He stopped in the doorway and without bothering to turn said, "Come in, Dib."

-----------------------------

The skin on Dib's neck crawled at Zim's casual use of his name without any sort of derogatory suffix. With only a touch of hesitation he stepped into the strange house to be blinded once again by neon bright colors. While each of them passed Gir and came between the little robot and the television it squealed loudly and stopped the instant his view was unobstructed once again.

Dib followed his obsession into the kitchen and took the seat on the offered chair. Zim sat across the table from him and eyed the human speculatively.

Dib fidgeted. Zim remained silent and thoughtful which made Dib even more uncomfortable. The angry monkey show played loudly in the other room and the silence was broken by strange cries and other ridiculous sounds. Zim remained silent until Dib couldn't take it anymore.

"You still haven't answered my question."

Zim leaned back in his chair and reached up to itch his wig. With a sound of disgust he ripped the terrible thing off and tossed it onto the table. With a scowl at the wig, Zim took his contacts out as well and finally spoke. "So you know, then."

"Know? Know that you aren't trying? Something's changed, Zim. Its not like how I remembered. Its not like when we were kids..."

Zim snorted. "We? What is this 'we were kids'? You never knew me when I was a smeet, earth-pig. I was a full grown adult when we first met." He crossed his hands in front of him and watched Dib carefully, his magenta eyes intent.

"But... we grew up together. Do you keep growing in adulthood or something?"

Zim shook his head. "No, not normally. We become adults quickly and stay that way for quite some time compared to you pitifully short lived hyoomans." He stretched the word out playfully, trying to remind Dib that not everything had changed.

"You... you made yourself taller? To fit in?..." Even as he said it, Dib knew it wasn't true. There had to be another reason the little invader would want to become taller. "No." Realization struck Dib like a kumquat and he didn't even realize he had slammed both hands down on the table as he said it.

Zim grinned impishly at the humans expression and for the first time in a long time it was an honest grin. Not entirely sane, sure, but honest none the less.

"Dib-thing, you've finally figured it out. I had thought you might."

Dib shook his head and stared at his nemesis. "You never wanted to take over the earth at all, did you?" He sounded hurt and Zim's grin faltered.

"Of course not, Dib. Have you looked around you? There's nothing here." His voice was short, clipped and almost... professional. It made Dib's skin crawl.

He immediately bristled. "How can you say that? You've been here for years you've seen... Um. And don't forget the... Er." Dibs indignation sputtered to an abrupt halt. Even he couldn't think of a whole lot about his planet worth dominating it for.

Zim leaned back on his chair and rested his boot on the edge of the table. He was smiling again. His little human sure did catch on quick some days. He was gaining confidence in his plans for the man.

Dib bit his lip and stood up abruptly. As he was storming towards the door Zim called after him casually. "Stop by later, Dib, I'd like to make a proposition." Dib stiffened slightly at the words and swept out quickly without any further responce.

----------------------------

Dib went to work the next day, and straight home again. Occasionally he would try to watch television, but once the angry monkey show came on and he turned it off, switching it over to his spy-cam instead. He floated through his days, searching for something, anything, that would prove Earth's worth.

He couldn't really think of anything. Anything native, anyway.

He didn't quite realize when he'd made the choice but he eventually discovered himself staring down the little bathroom sign on the door of the neon house. He nearly fell over backwards when it opened abruptly.

"Well, to your place, then."

"What!?" Dib trailed along behind the alien, noting for the first time that whatever experiments Zim had done to grow still hadn't made him taller than the human. He made a note to gloat later. After he got some answers.

"How do you even know where I live? What's wrong with your place?" As if in response there was very loud, very disgusting splash sound from the general direction of Zim's base.

With a flat voice Zim explained, "Gir got bored of the angry monkey show."

Dib cringed and nodded. The short walk to his apartment was in silence. He had gotten it so close to aid in spying on Zim, it seemed a little silly now that he realized Zim had known where he lived all along. The thought weighed at his chest in an awkward sort of way and he chose not to acknowledge it for the moment.

They entered his tiny, messy little apartment and Dib wished he had the forethought to hide his stalker paraphernalia. The walls were completely covered in photos of Zim and Gir, each in their unconvincing disguises. His table was littered with various cameras in differing states of disrepair and the pitiful 15 inch television set was hooked up to the web-cam he had placed on the lamp post outside of Zim's base to peer into the living room.

Dib flopped onto his sofa as Zim wandered through the small space, examining the various pictures of himself.

"This one's quite flattering, don't you think?" Zim quirked a non-existent brown in Dib's direction and the human looked away, forcing down an embarrassed blush.

To steer the conversation away from his choice in decoure, he decided to cut straight to the chase. "I couldn't think of anything." The silence was heavy as Zim watched Dib through his blue contacts. "I couldn't think of a damn thing."

Zim nodded and stepped closer to the human until he stopped, looming over the seated figure. Dib looked up at him, trying not to fidget. "I have a proposition for you, earth-monkey" Zim grinned impishly at his long-term enemy and straddled him. Dib tensed and tried to lean back into the couch.

"Come with me." The suggestion was hissed into his ear and Dib remained rigid, something in his brain had fizzled to a halt. Zim sighed and stood up, stepping away to wait for the human to recover his senses.

"What are you talking about?" Embarrassingly enough, Dib's voice cracked halfway through the question. That hadn't happened in years.

Zim cocked his head to the side. "I'm leaving. Soon. My time here hasn't been wasted and I plan to take what is rightfully mine. Come with me. Together we will be unstoppable." The alien's voice was smooth, controlled, and completely unnerving. Dib had seen flashes of this side of his arch-foe for years, but only small glimpses here and there. Watching him now, in complete control of himself and even his unfamiliar surroundings caused Dib's hair to stand on end. This was the real invader.

Dib bit his lip and tried to ignore the pit that had opened in his stomach at the thought of Zim leaving forever, especially now that he wasn't hiding behind his facade of stupidity. The green alien really was the only thing on this planet worth anything to him. Once he was gone...

"On one condition." Dib's voice was flat in an attempt to keep it from cracking again. He wasn't totally able to completely extinguish the fear and excitement from his expression, however.

Zim linked his hands behind his back and leaned forward, placing his head a mere foot from Dib's face. "Yeeeeesssss...?"

"You... leave Earth alone."

Zim snorted a short laugh. "I was never interested in your pitiful stink-ball in the first place." He extended his hand to shake on the deal.

Dib stood up and tried to loom over Zim as they shook hands. For some reason, even though he was taller than the alien the contact still made him vaguely uncomfortable. He pushed the thoughts away, again, and tried not to blush as a nervous, excited smile crept across his face for the first time in many years.

To his surprise, Zim returned it.

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This story feels like it wants to go somewhere, but I wouldn't mind some advice. I know I've stretched both Zim and Dib horrifyingly out of character, so I appologize to anyone who was hoping for something different. I kind of like them this way, though. I feel like... I need to exaggerate things more. There's the big pink elephant of sexuality looming in the background that should probably be addressed at some point as well as Zim's ultimate plans. I'm not sure if I should just cut out all the romance indicators and call this a ZADF fic or stick with it and flesh out the ZADR?

I just don't know. Tell me things.


	2. Chapter 2

Soooo, I still have no idea where this is going, but I realized how awful this last chapter was so I went through and edited it some. It will not surprise me if you see no differences. Nothing -really- changed, just made the wording less stupid.

Still don't own anything.

---

Dib knocked on the door to the hideously neon house. There was no answer, so with a snort he pushed his way in. He was still not quite used to the base accepting him as an ally. Gir was glued to the television set quite literally and Dib could only assume the little robot had proven to be enough of a pest to deserve it. It didn't even seem particularly cruel because Gir appeared to be enjoying his new vantage point immensely.

Dib invited himself down to the laboratories via the oddly placed toilet in the kitchen. It was unusual for him to get this far without running into his old nemisis. With a quick glance over his shoulder Dib decided to take advantage of his solitude and started to poke around a bit. The main laboratory was pretty barren. The tubes for goo that had, on more than one occasion, imprisoned him were empty and looking a little forlorn. Since the ceasefire both Zim and Dib's labs were sadly neglected... but that hadn't dulled the humans burning curiosity to study the alien technology.

The main lab had several mini-labs attached. Each for somewhat more specific purposes, though Dib still didn't know what they could be. Feeling he was completely alone he decided to snoop a little further. They were technically on a truce anyway, weren't they? What was a little shared information between not-enemies?

He stepped into the bigger of the two mini labs and after another quick glance over his shoulder his eyes fell onto... oh god. Zim's pak rested benignly on the table. Zim's pak minus Zim. Zim who couldn't live without his pak for more than ten minutes.

With a sort of strangled cry Dib frantically looked around the little room... the alien was still completely absent. He spun around and fell flat on his ass when he stepped into something that had not been there before.

Surprised and disoriented, Dib screamed and reached for a weapon he no longer carried regularly. He looked up to see... Zim. Looking perfectly healthy.

"What is wrong with you, human?" The derisive snort certainly sounded like Zim and the expression of annoyance was pretty familiar, too.

"ZIM! Your pak! What are you DOING?!"

The alien gave him a searching look and shrugged. In his hands he carried what appeared to be another pac. This one was... different, though. Rather than silver and pink it was silver and... blue. "Pitiful Hyuman. Zim is fine." He placed the blue pac next to his pink one and exposed his back to Dib. There was a gaping hole in the back of his tunic that revealed the mechanical attachments designed to accept the pak.

Dib continued to gape openly at Zim, who realized the conversation wasn't going to get very far if he didn't help it along a little. For as brilliant as the human could be, sometimes he was just so -dense-. "Zim's alterations have made him perfectly capable of surviving Earths atmosphere without his Pak. However, your pitiful hyuman biology stands no chance to survive space and the many different atmospheres we are likely to find ourselves in." With that, he nodded to the nearly completed blue pak. "That's what this is for."

Dib's eyes fell onto the blue and silver pak. He swallowed. Zim continued on as if he didn't notice and delight in the human's obvious discomfort. "Now, take off your shirt, stink-beast. Its time to improve your pitiful biology."

---

Zim paced back and forth in the neon living room. Each time he passed in front of the television Gir made point to say "HELLO MASTER" from his position still glued to the television. Some of the glue had worn away from the screen and the little robot was now dangling rather precariously from his formerly secure position.

Zim decided, quite arbitrarily, that enough was enough. He stopped directly in front of the television to scream "GIR, where is the DIB-MONKEY!?" The green alien fumed, "He was supposed to be here TEN minutes ago."

The little robot took an obscenely long time to respond to the enraged alien. When he finally appeared to recognize Zim he laughed. And that was about it. Zim seriously wondered if the little thing had become -more- broken, but quickly dismissed the idea as irrelevant.

Finally there was a tentative knock at the door. Zim stormed over to it and flung it open to successfully startle Dib. The human tried pitifully to hide his surprise but Zim didn't bother to hide his snirk of amusement at the humans goofy wide eye'd expression behind his ridiculously large glasses. Even after the successful implantation of Dib's pak the human -insisted- on wearing the familiar frames. His eyes could now adjust themselves to either require the thick lenses or function just as well without. Zim didn't understand his strange inability to let go of the corrective glass but didn't argue on it too much. He recalled Dib without them and the human just looked wrong.

"What took you so long, hyooman? You're LATE!" He emphasized the final word with an elaborate hand flourish. Old habits died hard.

Dib correctly deciphered the hand gesture as being an invitation into the house and slouched in. He carried with him a ratty old duffel bag that looked suspiciously like it was only half full. He flopped the bag down onto the sofa and sat next to it.

"What did you -expect- to happen when you gave me five minutes to pack?" He couldn't help but smile a little at Zim's impatience. He hid it behind his hand as he leaned forward on the couch, curious to see why the invader was so antsy.

Zim merely shot him a contemptuous glare and announced, "Computer, we're leaving." With a heavy sigh of resignation the entire house began to tremble. Dib clutched the side of the couch and looked around in alarm. Zim grabbed him by the arm and pried him off the furniture. The alien dragged Dib bodily into the kitchen and shoved him into the trashcan. Dib let out a surprised yell as the can bolted towards the ceiling and dumped him into the attic of the fake house were Zim's slightly modified Voot Cruiser sat.

"You're joking." Dib suggested. Surely Zim was joking. The only modification on the tiny ship was the in the clear bubble that served as the window. It had been expanded slightly. Very slightly. The thing didn't even have a second seat. "We're not going to fit in there, Zim." Gir must have unglued himself from the television at some point because he danced past as Dib spoke and frolicked into the ship, settling himself onto the dash comfortably. There was still bits of glue stuck to his metallic forehead.

Zim didn't bother to respond and merely shoved Dib into the ship and nearly sat on top of him. The rumbling of the house became even louder as the bottom stories began to fold in on themselves and the Voot Cruiser fired up. Dib became so engrossed in holding on for dear life he didn't even notice the only thing he had to grab onto was Zim himself. He was also too preoccupied to notice the alien's casual acceptance.

As the house was successfully folded into the Voot Cruiser's surprisingly spacious storage compartments it started to soar effortlessly towards the sky. Dib began to relax enough to realize what he was doing. He turned bright pink and attempted to jerk away only to find his mobility extremely limited. He remained plastered to Zim's side as he attempted to squirm into a less distressing position.

"You're missing it, Dib-stink." Zim's voice was calm and almost amused, Dib tried to keep from shuddering at the strangeness of a -calm- Zim. Instead he looked up to see they were already breaking orbit. It was utterly beautiful. No matter how many times he saw space it never failed to impress him. He forgot his distress from the seating arrangement entirely as he stared at the view of Earth quickly sliding away.

Dib couldn't even bring himself to feel sad about leaving it behind.

---

Wasn't that exciting? Wouldn't it be nice if I had ANY CLUE where this story needs to go? God help me if I start creating original characters for this. We all know how tragic that is, don't we? (Or maybe you don't, but that's probably for the best.)


	3. Chapter 3

So an incredibly boring day at work and a flash of inspiration has given this story a potential plot! WOO.

___

Zim was displeased to discover that Dib was a squirmer. The human simply could not sit still for more than three seconds. Between Dib's constant attempts to flail in a confined space and Gir's epic rendition of The Doom Song II Zim was ready to admit his already questionable sanity had taken a bid for freedom and disappeared entirely. He rather wished he could follow.

Luckily their first stop was not the Massive, which was still years of travel away. Zim figured with a few essential upgrades the Voot Cruiser could be made more comfortable and faster all in one go. All he needed was the technology, a little bit of time, and as much as he hated to admit it, a Vortian. Like the rest of his race, he held little love for the tiny creatures, though their technological skills were unrivaled. The entire race was marked as cowards and deserters, their lack of physical prowess long ago having lent them towards subterfuge. It had failed miserably against the sheer masses of Irkens that had easily overrun and enslaved them.

He set their course very carefully pointed towards the Massive, but also flying through space that had been the last known location of the Resisty.

___

Dib was BORED. In all caps, and preferably with a few extra underlines and exclamation points to go along with it. He was long past any mental unrest from having been squashed against his former rival and was pretty sure he was ready to drape himself over the alien's lap if it just let him stretch his legs out for a bit. Zim, for all intents and purposes, seemed to have forgotten he was even there and instead spent all of his time poking buttons and giving the Voot Cruiser incomprehensible instructions.

Dib was seriously considering joining Gir for a round of singing when the most obnoxious beeping filled the small cabin space. Dib perked up immediately, recognizing the noise as an incoming transmission.

"Who is it? Whats going on? Are you going to answer it or what?"

Zim gave him a rather dry look and, ignoring the explosion of questions, opened up communications with the other vessel.

"What is it!? What do you want from the ALMIGHTY ZIM?"

Dib gaped. The instant Zim had opened communications his entire demeanor had changed completely. He was now poised forward on the seat, back rigid, and one of his antenna had started to twitch very slightly. He had gone from cool and collected to nothing short of spastic terror in less than a heartbeat. Dib was so surprised his string of questions fizzled to a halt and he was left watching the exchange in silence.

An unattractive face appeared on the screen in front of Zim. The gray alien had two massive horns sprouting from his forehead that curled around behind his head and a pointy little sneer that managed to look even sharper than Zim's. He wore goggles and vague forms behind him implied the ship he was in was much much larger than the Voot Cruiser. The horned alien gave Zim a rather contemptuous look and spoke in a gravelly voice.

"Irken Invader! You are hereby taken hostage by THE RESISTY! If you try to resist-

"You'll NEVER TAKE ZIM ALIVE!"

"If you try to resist we will-

"NEVERRRRR."

"IF YOU TRY TO RESIST WE WILL BE FORCE-

"NEVAAAAAAAAAAAR!"

"!"

"GIR, FIRE"

Dib stared in horror as the conversation grew louder and increasingly more likely to get him killed. He glanced up at Gir in panic to see the little robot calmly picking glue off his forehead.

"This little piggy went to market!" A glob of dried glue fell from his metallic fingers, "This little piggy ran aaaaaaaaaall the way home!" Another glob followed the first. Gir stared at them, oblivious to the attention now paid to him by three sets of eyes, and started stomping on the bits of glue that sat on the floor. "Fire FIRE PEW PEW PEEEEW."

"Pik, lock them in the tractor beam and force them to dock." There was a muffled "Yes, captain!" and Dib felt the Voot Cruiser lurch unnervingly.

"What the HELL is wrong with you, Zim!?" Zim merely snorted and sat back to wait for them to be taken prisoner. Now that the call had ended he was back to his calm and composed self.

___

Pik was damn near ecstatic. He skipped down the corridors of the ship with a cheerful demeanor that unnerved every single one of the crew members that witnessed his uncharacteristic glee. He couldn't help it. He knew exactly who was holed up in their brig and he had every intention of taking advantage of such a perfect situation.

___

Dib was glaring at Zim resentfully. It had been a blissful, if terrifying, thirty seconds when he had been allowed to stretch his legs and actually walk down the hallway of the strange vessel they found themselves on. It was a very short thirty seconds, however, and Dib found himself scrunched up against Zim all over again. Only this time there were no windows. Dib was Not Amused.

"Get your elbow out of my face, Dib-monkey." Zim had remained tight lipped and infuriating the entire 'being abducted' process. Except for one instance where he informed Gir that the Angry Monkey show was on (consequently turning the little robot feral, if that is at all possible, and shooting through the hallways with three security guards and a stressed out looking communications officer trailing behind) the Irken hadn't spoken an entire word until Dib took desperate measures with his elbow.

"What the hell did you think you were doing? Now we're stuck prisoners on some ship in the middle of nowhere with no way out and they don't seem very FRIENDLY, Zim! WHY ARE WE ON AN UNFRIENDLY SHIP ZIM?!"

Zim, very casually, forced Dib's elbow back to his side and addressed the little gray alien on the other side of their prison door.

"Hello, Vortian scum." Dib immediately quieted and spun around to stare at the new alien. It was short and gray skinned like the captain. The enormous horns on its forehead protruded forward, unlike the uglier captain, and curled back around behind its head near the tip. It glared at Zim before smiling the kind of nasty little grin jailers everywhere adopt to irritate prisoners. Dib couldn't tell if it was male or female, its features were too alien and androgynous.

"Invader Zim," Dibs eyes widened and he glanced towards his green counterpart, Zim suddenly looked quite ruffled to be addressed by name, "I've been wanting to have a little chat with you, and here you went and dumped yourself right into my lap."

Zim sneered in a way that may have been threatening if his knees weren't shoved up to his chin and his elbows pinned to his sides due to the confining prison. "Who are you?"

The Vortians grin widened and it leaned casually against the wall near the prison's door. It made a show of inspecting its delicate little claws in a universally renouned gesture of feigned boredom. "That depends, Zim dear. I can be the enemy... or I could be a friend."

Zim struggled to stand in the confined space and managed to knee Dib in the head twice and stand on his hand once. Even when he managed to stand he had to stoop due to the low ceiling of their ridiculously small holding cell. He glared at the ridiculously pompous little Vortian and spat, "What do you want!? You will release Zim THIS INSTANT."

The Vortian laughed and quirked its head to the side. "I'm just wondering... What are your feelings towards the Tallest? The enemy of mine enemy is my friend, correct? They have shown you no love in the past."

Dib's eyes widened and he glanced between the two aliens from his cramped little position on the floor. He remembered the Tallest were Zim's rulers, but he also knew the Invader hadn't mentioned them in several years. Hadn't he always swore they would come in the past? He'd never appeared displeased with them, though, just eager to please.

"The Tallest left me to ROT on Food Courtia, then stranded me on some PITIFUL dirtball in the middle of NOWHERE."

Dib frowned, "HEY!" but they both ignored him.

The Vortian grinned wider still, showing an impressive array of pointed white teeth. He extended his hand through the bars of the cell, "My name is Pik, Friend. Lets get you out of this cell, shall we?"

___

HOLY GOD I introduced an OC! RUN, RUN FOR THE HILLS. This is actually my first Invader OC ever and I made a vortian. What the hell.

Pik is probably going to be around for a while, but don't worry. Dib and Zim are still the main duo.

Also reviews. They're nice, right? I like them a lot. PLEASE GIVE ME MORE PLEASE!


	4. Chapter 4

Whoo, I'm totally on a roll, arn't I?

Still own nuthin' (except Pik, kinda). I know the romance stuff is kinda slow here, but bear with me. Zim's not a very romantic fellow and Dib is so far in the closet he's finding rigged christmas presents (that crazy evil santa!)

---

Pik had left them locked in the tiny holding cell for appearances sake. After a bit of negotiating they had come to the conclusion that the actual break-out should only occur at the very last second. Or rather, Pik had come to that conclusion and Zim and Dib didn't have a whole hell of a lot of room to argue. In the meantime, Pik was collecting parts, data, and anything that wasn't explicitly nailed to the floor and preparing it for their hasty retreat. Dib was not particularly happy about the whole ordeal. Not the least of his problems was the fact that, in an effort to get more comfortable in the cramped room Zim had managed to wedge his way between Dibs legs with his pak nestled under Dib's arm and the rest of him leaned up flush against him.

"I don't see why you trust him. And what the hell was all that about the Tallest? I thought you -liked- the Tallest? Weren't they going to help you decimate Earth, or something?" Dib tried not to gasp as Zim wriggled himself into a, presumably, more comfortable position.

"Didn't I tell you before? Pay attention! I never planned on taking your pitiful little planet from the beginning." He folded his arms across his chest and actually looked a little petulant. Dib was still unused to the sheer range of emotions Zim was willing to show him now that 'incoherent rage' and 'maniacal glee' had been proven mostly show. He also noticed how these expressions of emotion were totally and completely absent when Pik was within viewing range. Dib stored that little tidbit away for examination when Zim wasn't crushed against him.

"Then what was your plan?! Its not like you've, I dunno, bothered to tell me!" Dib waved his free arm around to try and emphasize his point. Zim quirked a brow at the expressive human and opened his mouth to reply when they both heard a noise. Dib set his arm back down and didn't even notice he had draped it casually over Zim's chest when Pik came back into view. Human and Irken alike relaxed at the sight of their new ally.

The Vortian leaned up against the bars of their holding cell and grinned down at the two prisoners. "Getting comfy? Good, good." Dib immediately turned pink and jerked his hand off of Zim's chest. Zim merely squinted up at the other alien.

"Zim DEMANDS that you release us this instant!"

Pik snorted delicately and raised a brow-ridge, "Not quite, my little invader. Your robot is still wreaking havoc on the ship and I haven't gotten a chance to track down a few of the parts we're going to need. Did you know? He started crying when he discovered we don't have any 'tv's and is damn near inconsolable."

Zim frowned up at the Vortian and Dib tried not to fidget uncomfortably. Finally unable to handle the weird silence that had settled over everyone, Dib piped up, "Why don't you just give him a pig or something? And why are you trying to console a prisoner, anyway?"

Pik rolled his eyes, "Half of the ship's female population have fallen in love with the damn thing. Vort only knows why." Dib couldn't help but snirk at that while Pik continued, "Apparently its 'cute' or something? Anyway, what the hell is a pig and where can I get one? I need to lure it out of storeroom 5 to get the last of the parts."

With a frown, Dib attempted to explain, "Eh, well, they're pink... with snouts... and curly tails and flappy ears..."

Pik gave him a very condescending look, "You're going to have to try harder, human."

Dib considered, "Don't you have access to the Voot Cruiser? Just look it up."

Pik frowned down at the human, as though he just had an unpleasant realization. Zim chose just that moment to cackle insanely. "You didn't even think of something so simple? Even a HUMAN is more intelligent than you!"

Dib couldn't help but take offense, "HEY!" The Vortian snarled at the prisoners and stormed off, Zim's gleeful cackles following him until the door slammed behind him. Dib pinched Zim in the arm.

"OW! Knock it off, Dib-stink. Vortians are known for their intelligence. Humans arn't known for anything." Dib deflated a little and that started conversation about the various races they may or may not encounter that managed to completely distracted Dib from the question that had never been answered.

---

Pik returned to find the prisoners still curled up together in their tiny little holding cell. The human had lost consciousness at some point and the irken was practically laying on top of him like a blanket in the confined space. His eyes were open and he was eerily alert. Pik noticed his antenna twitch slightly and his magenta eyes followed their captor with ill disguised eagerness.

"You will let Zim out now." Again, it wasn't a question. Pik frowned but figured he'd have to start playing nice at some point and merely nodded. The 'pig' had calmed down the robot who was now shooting up and down the hallways with it making engine noises. Several hapless communications officers were trailing behind him in an attempt to make sure he didn't damage anything useful but most of the obnoxious females had been shooed back to their assigned posts. The security guards had deemed the little robot safe in an attempt to get the hell away from it as quickly as possible.

Pik began inputting the code that would open the cell door as he spoke, "Everything is collected and being stored in the Voot Cruiser. How the hell it all fit in there is an engineering feat all on its own, you know. We are going to have to seriously modify that if you plan to get all the way to the Massive without buying another ship entirely. There are coordinates to an inhabitable planet not far from here, we'll be able to hide out for a while, set up some signal jammers and work on the changes there. The original inhabitants are not space fairing, we can just set ourselves somewhere quiet and ignore them."

The cell door opened with a fwoosh and Dib and Zim practically fell out of it. Somewhere along the line the human had woken up and he managed to catch himself before face planting on the metal floor. Pik took an unintentional step backwards when the two others finally regained their footing. He definitely did not remember any of the information on Zim stating he was so tall. In fact, all of it had indicated he was quite short, even for an Irken. The human was even taller still!

Pik tried to keep the surprise from showing too badly while Dib stretched out luxuriously and had to bend his arms to keep from running into the ceiling. "Erm... Ah, yes, the planet I picked should work just find for our purposes." He turned to address Zim specifically. "I don't know how the hell we're getting your robot back, though. It refuses to respond to any commands."

"SILENCE, we will return to the Voot Cruiser IMMEDIATELY." Zim said.

Pik shrugged and lead them into the corridors. They could hear the robot screeching through the hallways. The noise got louder the closer they got to the ships docking bay. By the time the Cruiser was in sight Gir came barreling around the corner and nearly ran head first into Zim.

"GIR!"

The robot saluted, its eyes shifting to a dangerous red, "Yes, Master!"

"Into the Voot Cruiser, NOW!"

"OKIE DOKIE!" The eyes faded back to their origional blue and, much to Dib and Pik's surprise, Gir frolicked straight into the Cruiser.

"You there! What the hell is going on here?" The communications officers had apparently caught up, Dib and Zim ran straight towards the ship and Pik spun around to salute. He noted the officers did not have weapons and grinned a toothy little smile.

"Please inform the captain that I am turning in my resignation!" With a flick of the wrist he jabbed the docking bay's door lock button and watched the faces of his former coworkers shift from confusion to anger before they disappeared from sight entirely. He jogged up to the Voot Cruiser and wedged himself into the ridiculously confining bubble, sealing them in and opening the docking bay's hanger doors to open space.

Zim flicked the Cruiser into gear and they were gone.

---

And they're on the road again! Thanks to everyone who's already reviewed! Keep 'em coming, they totally inspire me to write more.

Oh, and if you're wondering why they're escaping the rest of the Resisty and not actually working with them, most of the other alien races are not inclined to work with an Irken... no matter how insane he is reputed to be (in fact, that just discourages them more).


End file.
